Pulling the Puzzles Apart
by indubitably-epic
Summary: Meredith and Addison Grey are married and about to start a family, until they discover Meredith is sick, and may not survive. ANGST. Mer/Add. AU. Character Death. Pre Season 1. Please R/R
1. Questions of Science

I hope you enjoy this story, but it will be quite sad and angsty at times. Please leave a comment.

**Pulling the Puzzles Apart**

**Chapter One – Questions of Science**

Addison woke up at 5am feeling and looking as excited as a child on Christmas morning, because today Meredith and Addison Grey were going to see Doctor Jennifer Morgan, the best fertility specialist in New York.

"Excited?" Whispered Meredith from her position on the bed next to Addison, she was smiling radiantly at her wife,

"I can't knock you up soon enough." Addison teased,

Meredith grinned and sat up, moving so she was straddling Addison in their bed, "You promise to provide me with sex when I'm fat and ugly?"

Addison rolled her eyes, "You'll never be fat and ugly; you'll be pregnant and you'll still be irresistibly sexy."

Meredith pressed their lips together and pushed Addison back onto the bed. Her hand moved delicately over Addison's naked body, up her legs, along her sides, cupping her breast. A moan escaped Addie as Meredith moved her lips to Addie's neck, kissing and nipping the sensitive spots she knew were there.

"_Meredith,_" Addison gasped as they made love, "God, Mer…"

It was almost 7:30 when they got up and started to prepare for their day. They showered and dressed, Addie made them breakfast but Meredith refused to eat saying she was too excited.

"I have a feeling." Smiled Addison as she moved in close behind Meredith and snaked her arms around Meredith's waist, "This really great feeling," She started to kiss Mer's neck, "That today is going to be best day of our lives."

Meredith smiled and turned around in Addie's arms, "That is a good feeling," She agreed,

"Mhmm." Nodded Addison, who moved her lips up Mer's neck, now nibbling her ear gently,

"Addison," Meredith moaned softly,

"Yea?"

"I love you."

Addison chuckled, "I know baby, I love you too."

Meredith kissed her, but Addison seemed to have different ideas. She hoisted Meredith up and sat her on the kitchen bench behind her, stepping between her legs which Mer wrapped around the redhead's waist. Meredith clung to her wife and moaned as the hand Addison had up her top brought her over the edge.

It wasn't until 10am that the couple left their Brownstone and made their way through the city to Dr. Morgan's practice.

They had the tests taken a few days ago. Some blood, their medical history, and a small collection of Meredith's eggs were taken and looked over; today they would be finding out the best way to go about implantation and whether or not their donor was a suitable candidate to fertilised Meredith's eggs.

They sat in the waiting room, their hands together comfortably. Meredith looked over and gave Addison a smile, squeezing her hand. Addie smiled back, "You ready?" She whispered,

"Are you?"

Addison grinned and kissed her wife softly, "I love you, and our baby."

"I love you too."

"Ah, Meredith, Addison," It was Dr. Morgan, "Follow me."

They stood up and Meredith walked slightly ahead of Addison, following Dr. Morgan into her office, sitting in one of the two chairs presented to her as Dr. Morgan walked around the desk and sat down.

Dr. Morgan put the file in her hand on the desk and pushed it towards Addison who picked it up and opened it, reading through the information inside, a small frown forming on her face.

"Meredith, from the results we obtained, we've found some... abnormalities. I advice you put your plans on hold for the moment while we make sure it's nothing serious."

"Abnormalities?"

"From the blood we took. We've looked over it. As a precaution I ran a CA-125 test as well as a CBC and a serum electrolyte test. Your levels of BHCG need to be taken. It's also essential that you have a pelvic examination, CT scan, and a trans-vaginal ultrasound."

"I'm sorry?" Asked Addison in a stuttering voice,

"With the markers we found… it could be nothing, but I suggest you go to Dr. Loraine Michaels because there is the chance that it's can-"

"There is no way Meredith has cancer!" Exclaimed Addison defensively, "I would know, I'm an OB/GYN, I would be able to, I should be able to..." She broke off and Meredith reached over and grasped her hand,

"If it is cancer, what does that mean for...? Will I be able to have children?"

"Maybe." Sniffed Addison, "You might have to have an oophorectomy, hysterectomy, chemo..." She started to cry softly and her hand tightened on Meredith's,

Meredith nodded slowly, she let out a small sigh and looked up into Dr. Morgan's sympathetic eyes "So what happens now?" she asked, trying to be strong,

"I'll call Dr. Michaels, she specialises in gynaecologic oncology, I'll set up an appointment for this afternoon."

Meredith nodded and she waited in silence with Addison as Dr. Morgan made the phone call and talked with Dr. Michaels.

Two hours later Meredith and Addison sat in chairs in Dr. Michaels' office at New York Presbyterian Hospital, it was the hospital where Addison had done her fellowship; she and Dr. Michaels had worked together on numerous occasions.

Doctor Michaels gave them a small smile, "Let's start, shall we?"

Meredith was admitted and her blood was taken. She then had a full physical examination, a pelvic exam, trans-vaginal ultrasound and a CT scan, Addison holding her hand the whole time. It wasn't a pleasant experience.

A surgery was scheduled, there would be no definitive diagnosis without it and while they were there, suspicious areas would be removed and sent for microscopic analysis and fluid from her abdominal cavity would be analysed for cancerous cells.

"Addison," Meredith said from the hospital bed, "Addie, look at me." Addison hadn't been able to look at Meredith since they arrived at the hospital, but she hadn't let go of her hand either.

She looked up, "Yeah baby?"

"Distract me. All I can think about is surgery and cancer and how I would probably kill to scrub in on something like this."

Addison laughed lightly, she moved and sat on the bed next to her, "Think about Seattle. We'll be able to watch the ferry boats through those cute little view finders. And wake up to the sound of rain, and then stay in bed the whole day."

"You'll be the best OB/GYN that side of here; I'll be the best intern Seattle Grace has seen since my mother."

Addison laughed, "You'll make me proud everyday. Except of course you won't be an intern straight away. We're taking a year off while you grow our baby."

Meredith pouted, "Why can't I be an intern part time? I could do my internship over two years or something."

"Spoken like a true surgeon."

Meredith smiled, "Addie, when we have our baby, I've been thinking and I really like the name Samantha."

"It might be a bit early for names." Addison said,

"I know." Meredith told her, "I know that. I just like the name."

"I like Elizabeth." Addison told her, "Elizabeth Samantha Grey."

"Samantha Elizabeth Grey." Meredith corrected,

A doctor walked into the room, "Hello, I'm Dr. Harding I just need to prep you for surgery."

The two women stoped smiling.

**TO BE CONTINUED...**

**Please leave a comment!  
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	2. Science and Progress

Thank you for the great comments, I wasn't planning to update this soon but here you are... I hope you like it.

**Chapter Two – Science and Progress**

From the look on Addison's face as she woke up groggily, Meredith knew.

"Mer." Addison moved stood from her chair and let go of her death grip on Mer's hand, moving to sit next to her on the bed, "Hey baby." She bent down and kiss her quickly, "You've been out for a while."

"I have it," Meredith whispered, "Don't I?"

Addison teared up and nodded, "Yea baby, yea, you have it."

"How bad?"

"It's uhh, it's pretty bad Meredith. You have stage III ovarian cancer." Addison looked like her world had stopped. And Meredith realised it had, as had hers, because she might die and leave Addison alone as a widow. Tears filled her eyes slowly.

"Addie..." She whispered,

"We'll get through this." Addison promised, "We will."

Meredith nodded slightly, but Addison saw she was crying softly. She shifted in the bed and pulled Meredith into her arms, letting the smaller woman cling to her as they both cried.

"I won't let you die Meredith."

* * *

Over the next few months Meredith went through aggressive treatment plans. Chemotherapy took a lot from her, her hair fell out and she became tired all the time. She was in and out of the hospital, had a radical unilateral salpingo-oophorectomy but it didn't seem to be working. Meredith knew that she would die from this, but Addison wouldn't let her give up.

"Addie," Meredith asked one day, her voice thick as she had just woken up,

"Yea baby?" Addison asked, moving closer, "Can I get you something? Food? Water? Do you need the bathroom? Are you nauseous?"

"It's not that." Meredith said, "Addison maybe you should go home for today."

"It's fine baby, I don't mind staying here with you."

"Addison, go home. Have a shower. Sleep in our bed."

"Mer."

"I'm not trying to get rid of you, but I don't like seeing you like this. Please Addie, clean up. Relax for a night. I'll see you tomorrow."

"Meredith…"

"Please Addie."

Addison sighed, "Ok baby, I'll go home. When I come back I'll bring some things over, a movie or something, ok?"

"Sounds good."

Addison sat on the bed and lent forward pressing her soft lips to Meredith's dry ones. She pulled back, their foreheads resting together, and she looked into Meredith's blue eyes.

"I love you."

"I love you too Addison. I love you so much."

Addison smiled slightly and she kissed her wife once more, she pulled back again and ran her fingers over the side of Meredith's face. A portion of Meredith's mousy blonde locks came out with her fingers. She sighed.

"It'll grow back."

"I know Addie."

"Ok." Addison kissed her again, "I love you."

"I know Addie. I know. I love you too."

"I'll be back tomorrow." Addison told her, "I'll call tonight."

"Go Addie."

Addison sighed, "Ok Mer." She got up and gathered up the few things she would need and placed them in her hand bag, "Bye baby."

"Bye Addison."

The older woman went back to the bed and hugged her wife closely, kissing her neck softly five times. She stood and with one more kiss to Meredith's lips she left.

Meredith watched her go, and then once she was sure Addison was gone she let her self brake down. She cried softly mourning the loss of her own life, and the pain she would put Addison through by dying.

Dr. Michaels came into the room an hour later with the latest set of scans, she had a familiar solemn expression on her face.

"Dr. Michaels." Meredith murmured,

"Where's Addison? She hasn't left your side through this whole process."

"Exactly, I sent her home for the night."

Dr. Michaels nodded; she sighed and pulled out the latest scans, and held them to the light for Meredith to see, "You see this here?" She asked, pointing at a shadow on the scan,

"Yes."

"Do you know what it is?"

Meredith looked at it closely and sighed dejectedly, "The cancer's spread."

Dr. Michaels nodded, "I'm sorry Meredith, but yes, we have discovered metastases outside the peritoneal cavity, in the liver."

"Stage IV."

"Yes. You're now in stage IV, I'm so sorry Meredith."

"I'm not going to get better am I?"

"Meredith you have to understa-"

"Please Dr. Michaels, just tell me the truth."

Dr. Michaels sighed, "I'm sorry Meredith, but no, no I don't think you will."

Meredith nodded, "Thank you." She swallowed, "Is there anyway that I could get my will organised before Addison comes back tomorrow?"

"I will see what I can do."

"And…" Meredith hesitated, "And DNR papers."

Dr. Michaels gave Meredith a sympathetic smile and nodded, "I'll get that all ready for you Meredith."

"Thank you." Meredith said, she yawned, "If I'm asleep when they come, please wake me."

"I will." Nodded Dr. Michaels, "Get some rest now." She left and Meredith fell into a gentle sleep.

It was late that night when Meredith was woken by Dr. Michaels, who presented her with multiple papers and a pen. Meredith thanked her once more and started to re write her will.

_I leave all of my money, belongings, and any shares in property to Addison Grey. _

_I leave my mother (Ellis Grey) and her assets in the care of Addison Grey._

She sighed slightly as she stared at the DNR papers. She didn't know what to do…

**To be continued!**


	3. Nobody Said It Was Easy

This is a really quick update. Don't get used to it, lol. I just thought I would celebrate the failure that is my life....

**Chapter Three - Nobody Said it Was Easy**

Addison walked into her wife's room carrying a small bag full of things to do; movies, books and a laptop, even some games and a pack of cards. She found Mer asleep in the hospital bed and she smiled softly as she set the bag down in the familiar chair at Mer's beside.

She lent over Mer's form and pressed a soft kiss to her head, "Hey baby." She whispered,

Addie took out the laptop and placed it on the bedside table, then took out the movies and all the books but one and placed them in the bedside table's cupboard section. Lastly she took the games and cards in her hands and opened the bedside table's one drawer; she placed them in, but frowned as she saw documents inside. She pulled them out and looked at the top one. It was Meredith's will. She looked at it questioningly but shrugged and looked at the second document.

She dropped them both to the ground as she jumped back, her hands flying to her mouth, a loud whimper already having escaped her lips and tears forming in her eyes.

Meredith woke, "Addie? What are you doing? What was that noise?" She noticed the horrified expression on her wife's face, "Addie what's wrong?"

Addison whimpered slightly and pointed to the papers on the floor, "Mer, why… why the hell do you have…" She tried to collect her self, "Why do you have your _will _and_ DNR papers _in here?"

"Addie…" Mer sighed,

"Meredith you do not need them. You are not going to die and I will not let you refuse resuscitation if you need it!"

"Addison-"

"No Mer, you are not going to sign them. You are not going to die." Addison was crying, "I won't let you kill yourself."

Meredith looked into Addison's teary eyes and she felt her heart melt. She hated seeing Addison so upset. "Come here." She whispered,

Addison moved forward and lay on the bed next to Meredith, letting the once blonde woman hold her close.

"Don't sign them Mer, please don't sign them." She cried softly,

Meredith held her wife and ran her hands soothingly over her back, "Ok. Ok baby, I won't sign them. I promise."

Addison nodded into Meredith's neck but continued to cry. "Don't die Meredith."

"I'll try Addie, I'll try."

Addison clung to Meredith's small body, "I love you Meredith."

"I love you too baby." Meredith soothed, she kissed the top of Addison's head, "I love you too."

"Swear to me you won't ever sign them."

"I swear Addie. I won't sign the DNR papers."

Addison nodded and the two feel into silence. Soon Meredith was asleep once more, and Addison joined her, glad to hear the steady rhythm of Mer's heartbeat under her ear.

**Only a short chapter, but I'm sure you will all survive.**

**Thanks for the nice comments, but a word of warning, you will not like me for much longer...  
**


	4. I Need You

**Chapter Four – I Need You**

It was late, past midnight. Addison lay in the small hospital bed, Meredith delicately sleeping in her arms.

Two months had passed since Addison made Mer promise not to sign DNR papers, and Meredith was getting weaker. She hated to admit it, but the treatment plan wasn't working as it should've been. Mer's heart monitor let out reassuring beeps as Meredith's heart beat.

"Addie..?" murmured Meredith's quiet voice,

"Hey," Addie whispered, "How are you baby?"

Meredith shifted so she could see Addison better in the dark, "I love you Addie."

Addison smiled softly and let her hand caress Meredith cheek, "I love you."

Meredith raised a hand to Addison's face; she looked her in the eye and bit her lip, "Could you… Addison… Could we…"

"What is it baby? What do you want?"

"Make love to me Addie…? Please."

Addison nodded slightly; she sat up and reached over, muting the sound of the heart monitor. She moves back to her wife and they kissed.

They kissed deeply and desperately, it being the first time for them to make love since Meredith's diagnosis. Meredith tasted Addison on her lips and felt her hands run over Addison's skin. She pulled at the top Addie was wearing and removed it, Addie rolled onto her back and carefully Meredith rolled over her, kissing Addison soundly.

Her lips moved along Addie's jaw line and down her neck, nipping at her sensitive pulse point, Addison let out a gasp.

Meredith lifted up and Addison shifted to a semi sitting position to give Meredith better access to her neck. Meredith's lips explored lower until they found Addison's breast, and she took one of her hardened nipples in her mouth, letting her tongue roll over it as her hand mimiced the action on Addison's other breast.

She moved back up, and focused her mouth on the other side of Addison's neck, letting one hand move to Addie's waist, the other slipping into her wet panties. Her fingers moved inside of Addison, bringing the redhead to a mind blowing climax that reached every nerve in her body.

Meredith kissed Addison's satisfied lips softly.

They both moved, switching positions, and Addison watched through the dark as Meredith licked her fingers clean. She smiled softly and started to kiss Meredith, tasting herself on her lips.

She took her time as she explored Meredith's body, making sure she gave Meredith the highest possible experience she could. Addie kissed her, and caressed her; she dragged it out in a slow pleasurable torture. She thrust her fingers into Meredith, and flicked her tongue over her clit ensuring Meredith came harder then she had ever before.

They lay satisfied in post coital bliss for twenty minutes before pulling the clothes back on properly and curling back up in bed to sleep.

"Thank you." Mer whispered,

"I love you Mer."

"Mmm." Meredith moaned in agreement, snuggling closer to Addison, "I love you too."

They fell into silence and Addison thought Meredith had drifted into sleep. She let out a breath and ran a hand in circles over Meredith's back.

"Addie?" Meredith whispered softly but suddenly,

"Yea, baby?"

"Addie when I die-"

"Mer-"

"No, listen Addie, please." Meredith asked, trying to search Addie's eyes in the dark, "When I die promise me you'll move to Seattle like we planned."

"Meredith…"

"Promise me."

Addison sighed, "I promise."

Meredith relaxed back into Addison's arms, "Thank you Addie."

"I promise, but Meredith baby, you are not going to die." Addison whispered, "You won't die and we will move to Seattle together, and we'll have our baby."

**Well. I have awesome news and shit news. The awesome news is I have made two videos about this fic (one is a 20 seconds promo, the other is the whole story) but the shit news is that neither of them will save as AVI or MP4 so I can't put either of them on youtube. I hate my computer.**


	5. Tell Me You Love Me

Hey guys! **I have successfully uploaded a promo vid for this fic **(it's about 25 seconds) and it's on youtube. **My account is IndubitablyEpic**. On that account I have also favourited some **other Meredith/Addison videos** and videos I think are amazing (I think there are a few French ones, not that I speak French, I just got all the Mer/Add vids, and came across an epic vid that's in French promoting the Bomb eps from Season two). I hope you like it, Comment and Rate :)

**Chapter Five - Tell Me You Love Me**

"How are you feeling today?" Dr. Michaels asked softly as she noticed Meredith stirring awake,

Meredith tried to swallow but her throat was dry, Dr. Michaels offered her a plastic cup of water with a pink straw sticking out of it. She drank slowly and thickly. It hurt and took too much of her energy.

Ever since her last surgery, to take her remaining ovary and fallopian tube, as well as her uterus, Meredith had been extraordinarily weak. The chemo wasn't working and her cancer was to advance.

Meredith gagged on the water and started to convulse, Dr. Michaels grabbed a bucket and held it out, and Meredith vomited into it. She spluttered and pulled back; Dr. Michaels placed the bucket away and saw Meredith lifting a heavy arm for the water.

She let Meredith rinse and spit, and then pulled a mint from her pocket, "Here." Meredith opened her mouth and took the mint, letting it take over from the taste of bile.

"Thanks." Meredith murmured,

"Addison is just getting some food from the cafeteria, she will be back shortly."

Meredith nodded, but regretted it immediately, again her stomach turned and she vomited, this time down the front of her sheets and blankets.

Dr. Michaels gave her a sympathetic glance, "I'll get a nurse to clean you up. You're about due for a bath."

"Thank you."

Dr. Michaels gave a short smile and left, talking briefly to a nurse on her way out. Meredith sighed; the nurse came in and started to collect the soiled sheets. This was no way to live, she thought, she could barely move without CINV*****, she was so tired all of the time, she had no uterus, no ovaries, and no success with the chemo that made her so sick. She was in and out of surgeries all of which could kill her, and they only made her weaker.

The unsigned DNR papers filled her mind.

Addison wouldn't have to know anything. She would be able to die. But… How could she not tell Addison? How could she do that to the woman she loved?

"Baby?" She woke with a small start and found herself in bed, fresh sheets over her, Addison sitting on the side of her bed.

"Addie…"

Addison smiled and pressed a soft kiss the Meredith's bandana clad head, "Hey Mer."

"Addie,"

"Yea, baby?"

"I've been thinking… Addie I'm weak, I can't… I'm so tired… I can't live like this… Addie… Addie I think… We need to consider…" She looked sadly into her wife's eyes, "Consider a DNR."

"Mer we talked about this."

"Months ago… Addie… I can't… I'm not going to survive this… I'm not getting better."

"Meredith we can get through this. We can fight. We can survive this. We can. Please baby, you promised, you swore you wouldn't sign them."

Meredith felt her eyes sting, "Addi-" She cut her self of with a dry heave and Addison quickly grabbed a bucket. Meredith threw up. Addison cared for her patiently, giving her water and some chewing gum.

"Addison-"

"Can we talk about this later?"

Meredith sighed, she didn't have the strength to pursue this, "Ok, ok baby." She sighed softly and fell back gently into her pillows, falling asleep instantly.

Addison looked at her wife's sleeping form. If she was honest with herself she knew Meredith was deteriorating. But she wasn't honest; Addison was a firm believer in denial actually. She sat in her usual chair and pulled her hand bag to her lap, rummaging until she found a handkerchief which she used to wipe her tear filled eyes.

Meredith would fight this. She had too.

"Addison,"

She looked up to Meredith awake once more, moving closer, she took her wife's hand, "Hey baby."

"Addie, I'm so sorry."

"Shhh Mer, you have nothing to apologise for."

"I love you so much Addie."

Addison smiled softly and kissed Meredith's hand, "I know you do, I love you so much as well baby. I love you with everything I have." She bit her lip, "Actually I wanted to show you how much I love you… I have something here…"

Mer frowned slightly, "What is it Addie?"

"Our wedding tape." Addison whispered softly, "I thought you might want to-"

"Can we watch it now?" Meredith cut off, her mouth forming a grin Addison hadn't seen in weeks,

"Of course we can baby." Addison stood and set up the television to play the videotape then walked back to the bed and climbed in, lying next to Meredith, taking her hand in hers.

They watched as Meredith walked down the aisle on her mother's arm, and the two waited at the alter together as the camera panned and they saw Addison walk down the aisle with her father. Both brides were smiling radiantly and both wore breath taking white dresses.

They watched the service, listening to the priest's words. When it came to the 'I do's' Addison caressed Mer's face, and looked her in the eyes as she whispered "I do," along with her recorded self. Meredith smiled softly at her and was going to do the same, but five words from the priest's mouth stopped her.

_Until death do you part,_

"Addie…" she whispered, knowing from the sudden flood of tears in Addison's eyes she was affected by the words too, "Addison I will never stop loving you, never."

Addison nodded sadly, "Mer… You know that after you're… after you're gone, which is going to be far in out future, when we're old and grey and… You know I'll always love you Mer. I will. I will always love you."

Meredith smiled tearily and weakly, and she lent forward and kissed Addison so softly and so perfectly, neither of them wanted it to stop. But of course it did, and afterwards Meredith was just so tired, she was always so tired, so Addison stoped the tape and turned off the TV and the lights and the couple settled into bed, Addison curled into Meredith's arms, her head resting over Mer's heart.

It was hours later when Addison's painfully full bladder urged her awake.

Everything was dark, and Addison squinted through the black trying and failing to see anything but the glowing green line on Meredith's heart monitor that jumped steadily along with Meredith's heart beat.

She sighed softly and sat up, being careful not to disturb Meredith in any way. Addison stood up and stretched her back slightly, before she bent over and pressed a kiss to Meredith's forehead.

"I'll be right back baby, I love you."

She left the room to find a bathroom, she could of course use the one in Meredith's room, but the plumbing was loud and she didn't want to wake Meredith unless it was absolutely necessary.

She found a bathroom and glared at the brightly lit room before moving to a stall. When she was finished Addie walked to a sink and washed her hands. She looked at her reflection and gasped.

She hadn't really had time to look in a mirror, or look after herself properly, really. Her hair was oily and messy, not including the bed head she had. Her eyes were sunken, deep shadows contrasted with her porcelain skin. She needed a shower desperately. She needed to sleep in a bed that actually had enough room for her.

Addison sighed and splashed her face with water, then ran her fingers through her hair. With an elastic band on her wrist she pulled it back, but that just made it worse, and trying to get it off ripped half her hair out.

She gave up with a groan and decided to forget about it. Addison walked out of the room and let her eyes adjust to the dimly lit hallways and corridors in the hospital as she made her way through them to Meredith's room. She smiled softly, maybe tomorrow, if Meredith was strong enough, they could go for a small walk in the hospital grounds. Let Meredith experience wind on her face once more. With that in mind Addison turned the door nob and walked into Meredith's room, and what she found, made her whole world stop.

**_To Be Continued! _  
Please Review  
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	6. Take Me Back to the Start

_Thank you for your nice comments :) I hope you all continue to read this story._

**Chapter Six - Take Me Back to the Start**

"Time of death, zero forty-five." The words were said quietly and tearily, "Dammit."

Dr. Michaels wiped away her tears and looked at Addison who still stood in the doorway her eyes transfixed on Meredith. On what was once Meredith, because after all, she was dead now, she wasn't her Mer anymore.

"No." Addison begged, "No!" She looked desperately at Dr. Michaels, "You have to save her, you have to bring her back, you can't just let her die!"

"Addison, I'm so sorry."

"No! No, she's not dead! You have to save her! You have to help! Please! Loraine, please!" She was sobbing uncontrollably; she kept yelling and screaming, crying to Meredith, "No! Meredith! Baby! No!"

She moved to Meredith's bed, and climbed onto it, wrapping her arms around Meredith's still warm body and sobbed into her neck.

Dr. Michaels looked on solemnly, she turned off the heart monitor and the constant shrill beep stopped. Her heart seemed to brake with Addison as she watched the redhead cry, clutching onto Meredith. She didn't know what to do.

Addison forced her tears back and she sat up, wiped her eyes and looked down at Meredith's face.

"Baby… Meredith…" She lent over and pressed her lips softly to Meredith's, "I love you Mer, I love you so much." She started to cry again and Dr. Michaels walked forward taking Addison into an embrace.

Addison cried into her shoulder, "How am I going to live without her? How am I going to survive this?"

"I don't know Addison. I'm sorry, but I don't know."

* * *

This had to be the hardest thing she had ever done. Addison stood in front of Meredith's friends, her own friends, and her family. She wore her hair perfectly clipped back and straightened, how it had been when she and Meredith first met, how Meredith often told her she liked it best.

High heels, black, expensive, designer. They had been bought for their first anniversary dinner. Meredith had complained they made Addison taller then her, but Addison new Meredith liked leaning up to kiss her.

A flowing black skirt with a silver buckle. Meredith had bought if for her. It was a random splurge. There was no reason for it other then 'I thought you would like it'.

Matching black and white bra and panties set. She'd bought them for Meredith's enjoyment one Valentine's Day. She hadn't worn them for long.

A dark purple button up blouse. The one she'd worn on their first date, Meredith had complimented her and whenever they went out and Addison had trouble deciding what to wear Meredith was forever saying 'what about that nice purple one?'

Her glasses were perched on her nose, not that there was much point trying to see clearly when her vision was clouded by tears but Addison wanted to be her best for Meredith. Meredith liked her glasses, she often kissed Addison randomly saying 'you know what those glasses do to me' with a suggestive smile.

Silver hoop earrings. Christmas present from Meredith the first year they were married. Addison had bought Meredith a pair of white gold hoops, they had laughed at their similar yet different tastes.

A silver heart locket hung around her neck. They each bought one the day they decided to have a baby. In it was a picture of Meredith and an empty space for the child they never had. Inside the beautiful coffin in front of her, Meredith wore one exactly the same with a picture of Addison in it.

Addison swallowed.

"Meredith Ellis Grey was born on the 10th of November, 1979 in Seattle, Washington to Ellis and Thatcher Grey." Her voice was surprisingly steady, she held back her emotions, she didn't want to create a scene, not here, not now. She would be able to let go and cry later, at home.

"Meredith, or just plain Mer, grew up alone. Her parents divorced when she was five and her mother relocated her to Boston, she lost all contact with her father and had no wish to ever find him. Meredith was raised an only child, and idolised her mother. She had a great fondness for her doll Anatomy Jane and she aspired to be a surgeon like her mother. She completed college at Dartmouth and she graduated high in her class. Meredith became a doctor, but she never had her chance to be a surgeon."

Tears fell from her eyes but she made no effort to wipe them away, instead Addison continued to tell everyone about Meredith's life, "I met Meredith in a bar when she was twenty years old and had her very own fake ID to ring in the new millennium. We married eighteen months later on the 28th of June, 2001. Last year we were planning to have a baby, but as you all know that never happened. Stage III ovarian cancer, later to become stage IV. She was so brave. She fought so hard. I remember the day she was diagnosed, before we knew anything, when we were certain that that was the day we were going to get pregnant, I said to her 'I have a really great feeling that today is going to be the best day of our lives,'. You don't need me to tell you I was wrong."

She couldn't hold back anymore, Addison broke into sobs, "On our wedding day we made the vow to be true to each other, to have each other and to hold each other, for better or for worse. For richer. For poorer. In sickness and in health, until death do us part. But that was wrong. Meredith will always be in my life, I will always love her and I will survive this knowing she will always love me. She's my wife, and I love her, and I miss her with all of my heart." Addison cried, "Meredith Ellis Grey was born on the 10th of November, 1979. She died almost twenty-five years later on the 11th of October, 2004." At this Addison broke down completely,

She walked clumsily and quickly back to her seat at in the first pew and let loud sobs heave her body.

She had a dream last night that none of it happened, that it was that morning and Dr. Morgan gave them a baby. She and Meredith had been happy, had been living in Seattle together. They had a daughter, Samantha, and later a son, Daniel. It had been perfect.

Until she woke up and remembered that today was the day of her wife's funeral.

**Please Comment.**


	7. Running in Circles

_I won't bother to explain why it's taken so long for an update. However i will apologise for it. I'm sorry :)_

**Chapter Seven - Running in Circles**

Addison wouldn't let herself think about it. Today was just like any other day she tried to convince herself, but it wasn't.

Today was the 10th of November. Today was the day her wife should be turning twenty-five.

Addison finished preparing herself for her day. She left her quiet Brownstone and walked through the roads, along various blocks until she found the small florist that Meredith had loved and she bought a bunch of lavenders. Meredith wasn't the kind of girl who had a favourite flower, but Addison remembered her hair smelling of lavender, making it the obvious choice.

Soon she found herself walking between headstones until she found the simple white marble that represented her wife. She placed the flowers at the head of the grave and sat next to it, between Meredith's grave and the next.

"Happy birthday baby." She whispered sadly, "I hope where ever you are you're happy and having a good time…. I'm not. I miss you everyday, all the time. It hurts Mer, it really hurts. I'm not going to be in New York for much longer. I'm moving. To Seattle, like I promised. I called Richard and I have a place at Seattle Grace."

Addison spent almost half the day talking to Meredith's headstone, about how she felt and what she wanted, about her day, and her dreams. When she had nothing more to say she stood and brushed herself off before she kissed the white marble once and murmured, "I love you Mer." and she left.

Addison sighed.

It had been tough the last few months. Meredith's birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, the New Year. She visited Ellis often, was living in her old house. The one Meredith spent the first five years of her life in. And she was working. She was working a lot.

It made her feel better, saving lives. But right now, nothing would make her feel better.

She was standing in the hospital with her old friend from Med School, Derek Shepherd, and they were at the mixer for the new year of interns. Addison couldn't help but feel Meredith should be there with her. She could just imagine her standing next to her in a black dress smiling and flirting, ignoring all the other interns and avoiding the awkward guy that was trying and failing to flirt with a brunette girl.

"Does it hurt?" Derek asked her, the question had become a thing with them, if he thought she looked upset or fakely happy he would ask that question,

"Yea, Derek, it hurts." She sighed,

He put his arm around her waist and she rested her head on his shoulder, "Where?"

"Everywhere,"

He gave her arm a soft squeeze, "You going to be ok?"

"Yes," She lied with a sigh, "Thanks Derek."

She stood and walked from his embrace, with a brave smile she walked to the blonde who was smiling around the room, "Hi, I'm Dr. Grey." She introduced with a small smile,

"Izzie," Grinned the girl, "Izzie Stevens. Dr. Stevens now. Wow." She laughed,

Addison smiled, "What program are you in, Dr. Stevens?"

"Surgery,"

Addison smiled, "Ahh, well in that case I'm sure to be seeing you around. I'm Head of Neonatal Surgery."

"Oh wow, that's awesome, it must be amazing to save babies everyday."

"Yea, yea it is pretty amazing." Addison nodded, "Are you interested in neonatal?"

Izzie nodded, "Yea, but I haven't got my heart set on it. I really want to try everything you know, I want to make sure that when I specialise I'm making the right choice."

"That's very wise of you," Addison smiled, "I've seen too many promising residents fail because they refused to try anything but their set specialty."

"So, uh Grey, that's not like Ellis Grey is it?" Izzie asked,

Addison sucked in a soft breath; it was stupid of her to think she could get by without reminders of Meredith, "Yea…" She said, "Yea she's my mother-in-law." Addison looked down at her wedding band sadly,

"_Addie where are we going?" Meredith asked,_

_Addison grinned, "You'll see," She told her girlfriend, "Come on." She pulled Meredith along by a mitten clad hand and through the crowed December streets of New York,_

"_Addison it's cold, can't we just get a cab?"_

_Addison laughed, "There's no fun in cabs Meredith, not unless you're drunk and handsy. Anyway, we're almost there,"_

_Meredith sighed, knowing her protests were going on deaf ears, "Fine, ok. You win." She rolled her eyes when Addison flashed her a grin,_

"_Thank you baby." Addison smirked,_

_They rounded a corner and Addison suddenly changed direction, pulling Meredith at a sharp left, into a building the blonde immediately recognised._

"_Addie what are-" Her voice trailed off, "Addie?"_

_Addison was on the ground, kneeling on one knee, a beautiful ring held between her fingers. This was the bar they'd met in, exactly a year ago._

"_Addison…"_

"_Yes Meredith?"_

"_Addie do you wanna get married?"_

_Addison laughed and stood up, placing the ring on Meredith's awaiting finger, "Yes,"_

_Meredith smiled, "I love you Addie,"_

"_I love you to Mer," Addison whispered, "I love you so much." And she captured her fiancée in a kiss._

Addison shook herself out of the memory, tears slowly dripping down her face. She looked up to find Izzie had moved away and was now chatting to the awkward guy she'd noticed earlier.

"Addison," Derek whispered,

She jumped and saw Derek was standing next to her, concern written in her eyes, "I'm fine. I'm good."

He sighed sadly and wiped tears from her cheek, "Do you want to go home?"

"No, I'm fine Derek, I'm fine."

"You're lying."

Addison felt her lip treble, "I miss her so much Derek." She whispered, "She should be here, she should be mingling with the other interns and making jokes with me, and all these things that she can't do any more."

"I know Addie," Derek whispered, rubbing up and down her back, "I know."

"We were going to have a baby." Addison started to cry more prominently, and Derek led her out of the room, and to somewhere more private, where they sat and she cried into his shoulder, "She's gone Derek, she's really gone."

**tbc**


	8. Tell Me Your Secrets

_quick update! but a word of warning, my muse has gone AWOL again so it might be a while after this... sorry :(_

**Chapter Eight - ****Tell Me Your Secrets**

Addison walked along a corridor, "Oh Derek!" She ran ahead a little, "I could use you for a consult today, could you meet me up there?"

"What? Oh yes, fine." He smiled at her, "How are you feeling?"

"Fine," Addison said warningly, "I am perfectly fine."

"Really?" Asked Derek, "So if I were to say, have a chat with Dr. Wyatt she'd tell me-"

"Nothing," Interrupted Addison, "because I am her patient, and she is bound to keep my secrets." She flashed him a cheeky smile and he laughed, walking away.

"Watch it! Hands off me!" Addison frowned and looked up at the yells coming from around the corner, "I could report you to the chief and you'd be out on your ass."

A gurney was pushed around the corner, by Bailey and her interns, Izzie reading the patient's chart, "Where is the chief?"

Addison froze; this was just what she needed.

"Patient's name is ...ah..." Izzie seemed to be trying to skip over that particular detail; she caught Addison's eye briefly, "…complaining of intermittent cramping pain and diarrhea. Also suffers from ...ah..."

"Where is the chief?" yelled Addison's mother in law, "You're all amateurs. _ AMATEURS!_"

"…Alzheimer's." Izzie continued,

"Patient's name?" Asked Bailey,

"Um..."

"Stevens! Patient's name!"

Ellis looked up and noticed Addison, "What the hell are you doing here?" she yelled, Addison swallowed, staring petrified at the older women, "Haven't I told? How many times have I told you to get the hell out of our lives?"

The interns and Bailey looked at Addison for a moment then to Izzie, "Ellis Grey." Izzie said finally,

"As in…" George and all the other interns stared at Addison who wanted to do nothing more then turn around and run in the opposite direction, unfortunately she didn't seem to be able to move.

"You're a whore Montgomery! You hear me? You're a whore and my daughter would be better off without you!"

Addison turned on her heels and moved through the closest door, which turned out to be a supply closet. She collapsed on the other side of the door and broke down into sobs. Out side she could hear Ellis yelling about amateurs and Bailey giving instructions to her interns and some nurses.

There was a short knock at the door, "Go away." Addison called out,

"Hey," Said Bailey, "This is a supply closet and I need supplies, now I don't care if you're my boss, open up."

Addison sniffed and wiped her eyes, before reaching up and turning the door handle. The door swinged open and Miranda Bailey walked in, closing it behind her and standing against it.

"You gonna tell me what that was out there?"

"No,"

"So you're just gonna act like one of the greatest surgeons ever known didn't just call you a whore."

"Yes,"

"And you're going to operate on patients, on pregnant mothers and babies, in this state."

Addison looked up at the resident, "You're annoying, you know that?"

Bailey shrugged and lowered her self to the ground, sitting next to the red head, "So, what you do to piss of Ellis Grey?"

Addison sighed, "I married her daughter."

"Where's she then? Why isn't she at her mother's side, protecting you from the in-laws?"

"She- she's- … she died." Addison whimpered,

"Oh," Miranda took Addison hand and held it softly, "I'm sorry."

Addison nodded, "Ellis never liked me, she never approved, I don't know how Meredith managed to convince her to be at our wedding, let alone walk her down the aisle."

"Do you want me to go and explain this to the chief?" Bailey asked softly, "You can have the day off to… What ever will make you feel better?"

"No." Addison told her, "No it's better if I'm working, I can… I can do paper work."

Addison stood up and pulled a handkerchief from her pocket, wiping her eyes and cheeks before blowing her nose. She flashed Miranda a fake smile before heading off, moving to her floor where she had her surgeries rescheduled.

* * *

"_It's all okay Mer, everything's okay." Meredith lay next to Addison on an on-call room bed, her head resting against Addison's chest, the sound of her heart beat soothing to Meredith's ear. The blonde squeezed Addie a fraction tighter and she moved in a small squirm as if trying to merge into Addison, all the while trying to hide her soft smile. She'd only been on two dates with Addison, but when the older woman had seen how distressed Meredith was, she'd rushed her here and took her in her arms until Meredith had calmed down, "It'll be okay Mer."_

"_You don't know my mother," Meredith whispered,_

_Addison sighed and stroked a few locks of pink tipped blonde hair, "Shh Mer, it's okay. Everything's gonna be okay."_

_Meredith shifted and tilted her head to look up at Addison's gentle face, "Distract me?" She whispered,_

_Addison frowned slightly, "How?" Meredith looked into Addison's eyes for a moment before she lent upward and pressed their lips together softly. "Oh."_

_Meredith bit her lip, but soon her eyes fluttered closed as Addison kissed her tenderly, her tongue gently seeking access to Meredith's mouth which was given immediately. One of Mer's hands moved up from Addison's hip and along her waist before cupping her breast, the redhead moaned and rolled them on the bed so she was on top._

"_How's this?" Addison whispered, as she nipped at Mer's ear, Meredith moaned in reply and let her hands move down Addison's body and run over her ass. Addison chuckled and kissed down Meredith's neck her right hand pushing up the hem of Meredith's shirt, "Tell me Mer," she murmured, "Are you wearing a bra today?"_

"_No," whispered Meredith, clutching to the teasing red head,_

_Addison smirked and slowly unbuttoned the front of Meredith's shirt, before, at a torturously slow pace, kissing down the younger women's neck to the valley between her breasts. Meredith gasped and grabbed a handful of Addie's red stylised curls, "Ohh," she moaned, "God, Addison,"_

_Addison smiled as she tasted Meredith's sweet skin for the first time, "You're gorgeous," she murmured softly, "So beautiful." Infact it was proving to be a great effort resisting the bestial urges Addison had, to rip both their clothes of and ravage the woman under her, to make her scream and- and to make her make that sound again._

_Meredith had let out a throaty moan in reaction to Addison biting down on one of her nipples, so Addison moved to her other breast and repeated the motion, Meredith's hips rolled up and she clutched at Addison, her fingernails digging in to Addie's back and scalp._

_With a jolt Addison pulled back unexpectedly and looked Meredith in the eye. "What's wrong?" Meredith murmured,_

"_If I don't stop now," Addison told her, "I won't be able to control myself."_

_Meredith let the hand in Addison's hair move to caress the other woman's cheek, "I want this." She whispered, "I want you."_

_Addison nodded, "I want you too," she murmured,_

"_So have me."_

_With a laugh Addison captured Meredith's lips briefly, before resuming her exploration of Meredith's chest, her left hand pulling at the zip of Meredith's black pants._

"_What the hell do you think you're doing?" Meredith and Addison jumped at the foreign voice, "This is a hospital not a hotel!"_

"_Oh fuck," Whispered Addison, this was not how she'd envisioned meeting Ellis Grey._

"Addison!"

Addison jumped and her bloodshot eyes snapped to the woman sitting opposite her, "Yes?" she asked, wiping her eyes on the back of her hand.

Dr. Wyatt sighed sympathetically, reaching over and offering Addison a box of tissues, "Where were you just now?"

"No where important." Addison whispered, blowing her noes, before adding in a small whisper, "Not any more, anyway."

**hope you like it :)**

T.B.C.


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